The author and her brother
Source: © J. Rosenhaft
When my family moved into the apartment where I grew up in Queens, NY, my brother was given the bigger bedroom, across from our parents’ bedroom. Our parents constructed a wall between the living room and what was supposed to be the dining room to make a smaller, third bedroom for me. It was at the other end of the apartment, next to the kitchen and next to the window that had the fire escape outside. I used to lay awake at night terrified a stranger would climb up to the first floor and kidnap me and my family wouldn’t hear a thing.
As we grew older, I resented my brother and his larger room. When the first video game came out — Pong, by Atari in 1972 — our parents hooked it up to the television in my brother’s room, citing more space. When he declined to have a bar mitzvah because my parents couldn’t give him a party like all his other friends were having, they bought him a bumper pool table instead. (A regulation pool table wouldn’t fit in his room.)
We fought like siblings do. There was a lot of tension in our home because our father drank. Even when he got sober when we were adolescents, he then retreated from life because he had been medicating a depression with Johnnie Walker Red. He had lost his job, and our mother had to go to work to support our family.
We attended the same high school, one grade apart, moving in different circles and tolerating each other. We both began experimenting with pot, and we both cut classes to hang out in Manhattan.
There was no money when it came time to go to college. I went as far away as I could go and still stay in NY state: SUNY Buffalo. Daniel followed me a year later. Away from the tensions of Queens, on our own, that’s where we began to bond. We discovered each other as people.
A 2014 study by Susan McHale of Penn State and colleagues found that “82.22% of youth age 18 and under lived with at least one sibling.” Additionally, “sibling influences on youth development and adjustment are unique in the sense that evidence of sibling influences emerges even after the effects of other significant relationships are taken into account.”
When I became mentally ill, it would have been easy for Daniel to step back. Instead, he stepped up. Especially once our mother passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2002 while I was still very ill. I imagine they had a conversation about watching out for me but how he has shown up for me has gone way beyond obligation. He has been there for me in a myriad of ways; he has taken care of my dog, Shelby, when I’ve ended up in the hospital; he has shown up on my doorstep with groceries when I had Covid; when Shelby was diagnosed with heart failure, he lent me money so she could see the veterinary cardiologist (who knew?); and he calls and checks in just to see how I’m doing. A 2020 study of siblings by Patrick Davies of the University of Rochester and colleagues found that sibling participants “were in contact with each other in a variety of ways such as in person, over the phone, or on social media between once a week and several times a week, on average. These findings align with previous research that indicates that older adult siblings often maintain regular contact with each other.”
The author walking her brother down the aisle.
Source: © S. Keagan
Now that I’m emotionally healthy, our relationship has shifted. In addition to his unwavering support, at times he calls seeking advice and my opinion on various topics which I’m glad to give him. The McHale study reports that “In later adulthood, siblings report exchanging both emotional and instrumental support.”
If you ask me who my best friend is, I reply without hesitation, “Daniel.”
Last year his face lit up when I gave him what I considered a gag gift, a sweatshirt emblazoned with the phrase “Top Work,” which was what our father used to say when Daniel did something he liked. But Dad also used to say it in sarcasm when someone did a less than stellar job.
Occasionally, I get this pang of fear that something will happen to Daniel and then I will be truly alone. This is my greatest fear, and I need to learn to mitigate the anxiety that accompanies these thoughts.
