Facing a cancer diagnosis in the family is a life-altering experience, and when it’s your spouse who’s affected, the emotional weight can feel overwhelming.
Navigating this journey can bring up a range of complex feelings, from fear and sadness to moments of guilt or helplessness. It’s even normal to feel alone when you have a spouse with cancer. These complex emotions are natural, yet they can be challenging to manage while you focus on supporting your spouse. In fact, some research suggests that the risk of suicide increases for spouses of a cancer patient.
Understanding these feelings and learning how to cope with a cancer diagnosis can help you stay resilient and compassionate, both for your spouse and yourself, as you walk through this challenging chapter together. In this article, we’ll explore practical steps to help you process your emotions, find support, and foster strength along the way. Read on to learn what you can do if your spouse has cancer and you feel alone.
Recognize and Validate Your Feelings
When a partner is diagnosed with cancer, you might feel lost or daunted by the range of emotions that follow. It makes sense to be afraid or feel helpless. Being sad about the unfairness of cancer is something most people can relate to. If your spouse has cancer and you’re depressed, angry, or confused, you have every right to feel this way.
While you might see yourself as a caregiver, you’re also a partner who’s processing deep, personal, profound emotions. Recognizing and validating your feelings about the fact that your spouse has cancer is not just important — it’s empowering. It allows you to work through and manage negative emotions in the healthiest ways possible.
Learning the signs of emotional distress — like increased anxiety, difficulty sleeping, feeling detached from your partner, and thinking that your spouse’s cancer is killing you — is vital. These emotions can often come in waves, making it essential to identify anxiety triggers that may intensify these feelings. There are definite signs that indicate you need additional support.
Common emotions spouses of cancer patients might experience:
- Fear: It is not uncommon to feel afraid of the future, the unknown, or your partner’s health. As you approach the medical treatment phase, you may feel a sense of unpredictability. Not knowing or having any guarantee about the outcome can amplify your fear further.
- Helplessness: It makes perfect sense if you feel helpless as you watch your spouse endure cancer treatment, surgeries, or the side effects of medication. Even if you’re there and willing to do anything, you might still feel inadequate because you’re unable to relieve the suffering.
- Sadness: Grief is often part of the cancer journey. You might be sad about the changes to your relationship after a diagnosis. Your lifestyle will likely change, and future plans might be drastically altered. All of this can lead to overwhelming sadness, especially if you’re trying to confront the possibility of losing your partner.
- Guilt: Guilt can be a big part of the emotional fallout of a cancer diagnosis. You might worry or feel guilty that you’re not doing enough, or you may struggle with not feeling 100% focused on your partner 100% of the time.
- Anger: Getting mad after a diagnosis is another common and expected response to a spouse having cancer. You might be angry at how unfair it is or even feel mad at your partner for being sick. Though these thoughts and feelings are very normal, it can be difficult to reconcile your emotions.
Understand grief as a natural response
Grief isn’t limited to the loss of a loved one. It can also arise from a significant change or loss, such as a cancer diagnosis. When your spouse is diagnosed with cancer, you might grieve the life you envisioned together, changes to your daily routines, or even a sense of security about the future.
The five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — don’t always occur in a linear order. You might experience them individually or simultaneously, and it’s normal for these emotions to ebb and flow. Recognizing grief as part of your emotional response can help you better understand what you’re feeling and give yourself permission to process it.
Examples of how grief may manifest:
- Denial: Feeling as though the diagnosis isn’t real or believing it won’t change your life significantly.
- Anger: Resentment over how unfair the situation feels or anger directed at the illness, medical system, or even your spouse.
- Bargaining: Hoping for a specific outcome in exchange for a change in behavior or effort, such as promising to do everything perfectly to ensure recovery.
- Depression: Experiencing sadness, hopelessness, or detachment as the reality of the diagnosis sets in.
- Acceptance: Finding a way to move forward while living with the changes cancer brings to your life and relationship.
Recognizing these stages can empower you to name your feelings and approach them with self-compassion. It’s important to note that there’s no “right” way to grieve, and seeking support during this time — whether through friends, family, or a therapist — can help you navigate these emotions.
Understand the Impact of Your Spouse’s Diagnosis
Receiving a cancer diagnosis can cause a significant shift in a relationship — for both you and your spouse. There may be days when it feels like your entire world revolves around medical appointments, treatment options and plans, caregiving, and more. Cancer often leaves little — or no — time for any personal space.
A cancer diagnosis can make you feel like your life has changed in profound ways, at least for now. Even if you hold hope and trust that this is a temporary chapter, it’s natural to experience feelings of isolation, anxiety, or sadness. You might also notice other emotions, such as guilt, anger, or even a sense of relief, that you now have clarity and can begin treatment.
“Oftentimes, the initial news that a partner has cancer brings about these feelings that we are the only ones going through something like this. When in actuality, the number of partners hearing this news about their partner is quite high. And, connecting with other people going through similar experiences is incredibly helpful.”
– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC
Embrace Vulnerability with Your Partner
One of the best ways to survive as you navigate a cancer diagnosis is by being open and vulnerable with your partner. You’re likely both experiencing pain, fear, sadness, and uncertainty. Sharing your feelings and expressing your love and appreciation for one another can foster a deeper emotional connection where you both feel understood, heard, and valued.
Ways to embrace vulnerability:
- Share your fears: When your partner has cancer and you’re feeling depressed, angry, or anything else, be as upfront about your feelings as possible. Talk about what you fear about the future, discuss your anxiety about the treatment plan, or just share where you’re at emotionally. Open dialogue will reduce some of the burden that comes with keeping your emotions bottled up.
- Acknowledge sadness: Try not to shy away from sorrow. Expressing that your spouse’s cancer makes you feel alone and sad can be cathartic.
- Express love and appreciation: It’s essential to show how much you and your spouse love each other during challenging times like this. A little bit of gratitude can go a long way. Remind each other about the good in your life and try to focus on the positive—even when it feels impossible. Keeping a positive mindset will help you feel grounded in your relationship, which can distract you from focusing only on the illness.
“I think we should allow regular outpourings of negative feelings, coupled with support and validation. We can even schedule these moments strategically if they don’t come out organically. But, I think it is important that we push for redirection into something more hopeful just as much, or even more than we vent negatively, as to make sure we are creating balance.”
– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC
Find Ways to Cope and Manage Your Emotions
Finding healthy, effective ways to cope with the emotional turmoil of having a spouse with cancer is essential. This can include:
- Getting regular exercise
- Maintaining a healthy diet
- Practicing mindfulness or meditation
- Seeking support from friends and family
- Engaging in activities you enjoy
Even if your instinct is to throw yourself entirely into caring for a partner with cancer, you must prioritize your own mental, emotional, and physical health. Otherwise, you’ll quickly run out of energy and have little left to give.
Seek professional support
If you’re feeling like the emotional toll of caregiving is too much to handle on your own, it’s OK to get professional help. Therapy can be a safe space to express your thoughts and fears freely without worrying about burdening your partner.
Seeking support can be the lifeline you need, and a qualified therapist can help you navigate your feelings and offer coping tools and guidance to help you manage your stress and anxiety. Be sure to look for a mental health professional experienced in working with individuals or families facing significant medical diagnoses.
Lean on your support network
A solid support network — of friends, caregivers, family, and/or a therapist — is invaluable. Lean on the people who care and want to help. Not only will they be able to offer you the necessary emotional support, but they can also offer practical and physical help.
Don’t be ashamed or hesitant to ask your support system to run errands, shop for you, help around the house, assist with respite care for a few hours, or handle meals for your family from time to time. Small gestures of support, like talking to a friend or family member, can refresh your spirit and provide much-needed comfort when you’re at your lowest.
Practice self-care, even in small ways
Practicing self-care is essential during times of unbearable stress, like when it feels like your spouse’s cancer is killing you. Doing something for yourself can be a game changer in your attitude and energy. Something as simple as taking a walk, doing a short meditation, or meeting a friend for coffee can be helpful. It’s the small moments of self-care that can often help the most. Stepping away to recharge and replenish your emotional reserves can make facing the next challenge or day so much easier.
Create Healthy Boundaries for Yourself
Having healthy relationship boundaries in place is paramount when you’re facing something like a partner going through cancer treatment. You probably feel like you need to be there and fully available all of the time, but the truth is, that will lead to burnout.
“We need to be there for our partners, but we also need to protect our peace. Scheduling time away from home to spend time with friends, go to a yoga or exercise class, or connect with something greater than ourselves can help us cope with our circumstances. Connecting with other people that are going through similar experiences, like in a support group, also goes a long way.”
– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC
Setting personal boundaries and limits on how much you can do every day is healthy. However, for it to work, you must also communicate your boundaries and concerns with your spouse and others. Putting boundaries in place will ensure you have the energy and endurance to support your partner without sacrificing your own mental and physical well-being.
Stay Connected with Your Spouse
Maintaining a connection with your spouse beyond their illness can be tricky, but the relationship can’t become solely about their cancer. Yes, it’s part of your lives right now, but you don’t want to let it define everything about your partnership. When you keep the lines of communication open, your relationship will stay strong and you’ll both feel emotionally connected and supported, even during the painful and challenging moments.
Look for ways to connect, like by:
- Doing things you enjoy together
- Spending quiet time together
- Talking about things unrelated to cancer
- Meeting with friends or having them over if your spouse isn’t feeling well enough to go out
- Having movie or game nights with the family
- Finding ways to laugh
Find Strength & Support Together
Facing cancer as a couple will likely be one of the most harrowing experiences of your relationship. It can also bring you closer if you have the right tools to help. Remember to find strength in your love, and don’t wait to seek professional help. Couples therapy can be an effective and healthy way to get expert guidance as you process this emotionally complex time in your relationship.
Online therapy from Talkspace can be an excellent way to find the support you need, either individually or as a couple. Therapy can be a safe place to explore your feelings, openly communicate, learn to manage stress, and find other coping strategies to fall back on during the most demanding days, when your spouse’s cancer makes you feel alone.
It’s not easy to navigate the intense and daunting emotional challenges of a partner’s cancer diagnosis, but help is available. With the right support, strategies, and mindset, you can learn to manage your emotions, find resilience, and strengthen your relationship.
Request a demo from Talkspace today to explore how online therapy can support you and your spouse through this journey.
