By Amber Van Schooneveld
In my twenties, awash in the hope of youth, I never felt like a failure. In my thirties, I was too distracted by the hurricane that is raising young children to contemplate failure. But in my forties? It’s awfully easy to look around and notice that everyone seems to be further ahead than me. Kelly’s got a second home in Florida. Adam’s got “V.P. of Marketing” after his name. And Jenny’s still in the best shape of her life.
When I measure my worth by superficial metrics of success, I can fall into the pit of feeling like a failure. Maybe, if you clicked on this article, thoughts like, “I feel like a failure” have snuck in the backdoor of your mind. Or maybe they’ve fully moved in and are parked on the couch, feet up, eating Cheetos and glaring at you.
Reflecting on where we are and where we want to go is a good thing. But parking our minds in the pit labeled “failure” never is. Here are some practical steps to climb your way out of that pit when you feel like a failure.
Invite a friend in.
Sometimes, we project confidence around others, but whisper “I’m a failure” when we’re alone. Don’t go this alone. Talk to a trusted friend. Tell them how you’re feeling, and if they’re a friend worth keeping, they will let you know that you are definitely not the only one who has ever felt this way. They’ll offer you a counter-perspective on yourself. And you know what? Sometimes simply speaking the thing we fear out loud takes away its power.
Do you need to talk? If you are facing mental health struggles or emotional distress, call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Just dial or text 988 or chat here. Conversations are free and confidential.
Don’t label yourself.
Step two: Replace the sentence “I feel like a failure” with one that doesn’t internalize failure or label yourself. It’s OK to be honest and say, “I failed at this relationship” or “my start-up failed,” but don’t allow these outward measures to define your being. When you find yourself muttering the phrase, “I’m a failure,” stop yourself right there, rewind and replace that message with a more accurate one that doesn’t conflate your success, or lack thereof, with your identity.
Reexamine where your worth comes from.
If you’re feeling like a failure, you might have confused your internal value with the outward trappings of success. Your intrinsic worth does not come from your salary, title or material possessions. Your value as a human being is immutable. I don’t know what you believe, but I believe — and those of us at the Global Leadership Network believe — that you have inherent, God-given value that does not increase or decrease based on what you do or achieve. You are valuable and worthy. Full stop.
Define success — for you.
Now that you have been reminded that your success doesn’t define your worth, define what success does mean to you. (Here’s a hint — it doesn’t have to mean a hot bod and a Mercedes.) Instead of focusing on the external signals that evoke the envy of others, contemplate what brings you true fulfillment and joy. Is it a healthier relationship with your partner? Is it making a meaningful impact on the world around you? Get other people out of your head and explore what will bring you true fulfillment.
Set a goal. Make a plan.
Next up, set a goal. Take your nebulous feeling of failure and transform it into a tangible goal you want to aim for. Maybe you want to build more muscle mass in the next six months. Or finally go for that degree. Determine the specific steps you need to take to meet that goal and break them into achievable, measurable steps. Then make a plan. Write it down and tell that friend we talked about earlier.
Identify a better story and repeat it every day.
If your inner monologue is a bully (“I’m a failure”), it likely won’t go away on its own, regardless of how much you goal set. Instead, you must intentionally write a new story to replace your old ones. Listen to the things your inner bully says. Write them down. Then cross them out and write the narrative you want to replace them. Does your current script say, “I never follow through”? Tell yourself instead, “I am capable.” Become a storyteller to yourself. This isn’t wishful thinking — or if it is, it works, as the stories we tell ourselves tend to come true.
Replace comparison with gratitude.
You might think practicing gratitude sounds saccharine and sentimental. But it’s scientific. According to Harvard Medical School, gratitude “helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” When you examine that inner monologue of yours and notice that it’s telling you how lame you are compared to Suzy, stop and redirect that thought toward gratitude. Instead, contemplate the things or people you are so glad are in your life. Write a note to someone you are thankful for. Keep a gratitude journal or simply say a prayer of thanks.
You will fail. Keep going anyway.
Remember that failure is an inevitable part of life. Things will not always go as you hope. And especially if you are an ambitious person with goals, you’re going to experience failures along the way.
Feel the disappointment, but then get back up. Keep going anyway. Call a friend. Speak good stories to yourself. Reject your self-imposed labels and remember where your worth comes from.
