If you’re feeling the weight of loneliness in motherhood, knowing you’re not the only one is crucial. Many mothers grapple with the feeling that motherhood is lonely. In fact, recent research shows that 66% of parents experience loneliness, and a staggering 69% of mothers are likely to feel mom loneliness at some point.
One of the biggest challenges for a new mom is that motherhood is so often touted as one of life’s greatest joys. This perception can cause serious damage to struggling moms. The truth is — especially in the beginning — motherhood often means long hours of caring for a newborn, unexpected (and sometimes uncontrollable) emotional shifts, and a host of other isolating experiences.
Learning about the emotional complexities of motherhood, the factors that cause loneliness, and how to cope is helpful for moms trying to become the best version of themselves. Keep reading to learn more about why being a mom is lonely sometimes.
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The Reality of Loneliness in Motherhood
Though it’s often depicted as a rewarding, fulfilling, and joyful time, the reality is far more complex for many moms. Every new mother experiences joy, perplexity, pain, anger, exhaustion, fear, and loneliness — and sometimes that’s all in the same day.
To truly understand, you must understand the main factors contributing to why motherhood is lonely for so many women. Only after you really look at how societal expectations and the loss of identity play into mom loneliness can you find a way to cope.
Societal expectations vs reality
Society today idealizes the picture of motherhood — moms are supposed always to be happy, fulfilled, and in control. A recent study analyzing two decades of research suggests there’s more to the story, though. Much of the research discovered that guilt is prominent among moms struggling to live up to societal norms that suggest they can always “try harder.”
Unrealistic expectations like this can weigh heavily if you’re the lonely mom who doesn’t have that perfect experience. If you once envisioned this time in your life to be that perfect dream, the shock of balancing parenting with household duties, financial issues, work, and personal care can be overwhelming. When reality doesn’t match your ideals of motherhood, the disappointment and mom guilt can lead to you feeling isolated and like a failure.
The loss of pre-motherhood identity
Pre-motherhood identity can take decades to develop. A woman’s self-view is closely tied to her career, hobbies, social life, personal aspirations, or pre-parenting relationships. After the birth of a child, virtually everything in life changes to accommodate the new baby’s needs. To some extent, the transition is natural, but it can leave moms struggling to find a new sense of self.
Remember that as a mom, your mental and emotional well-being is paramount. The demands of parenting can make it challenging to find time for essential self-care, let alone time for activities, hobbies, or relationships that were once a significant part of your life. That said, it’s critical to make time for yourself. A loss of identity can deepen feelings of maternal loneliness, but prioritizing self-care will help you start to reconcile who you once were with who you are now.
“Becoming a mom is a big shift, depending on what kind of support you have or make time for. And even the most prepared mom cannot account for the nuances of growth and change in the child and themself. I encourage moms to grow with their children and commit to learning, shifting, and sometimes accepting discomfort in a new way, connecting with new supports or family members that offer natural joy and positivity to their lives to combat the isolation. Remember to make space for grace and allow yourself time to get adjusted.”
– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C
Factors Contributing to Loneliness as a Mom
Even though most moms agree they’re never really alone, the emotional solitude and social isolation many experience can impact their mental well-being. Many factors contribute to loneliness in mothers, and understanding them will help you address and overcome your feelings.
Physical isolation
Many new moms experience physical isolation. A life that was once full of interaction with coworkers, family, friends, and partners is suddenly replaced with caring for a new baby at home.
The lack of opportunity for social interaction, the loss of a once-bustling life filled with companionship and social connection, and the limited opportunities for spontaneity can be lonely.
Emotional isolation
Being a mom can feel like you’re on a never-ending emotional rollercoaster. Yes, there’s immense love and moments of fulfillment, but there are also emotional challenges that many mothers are uncomfortable sharing. For them, it feels wrong not to love every minute of every day of motherhood, and there’s also the intense pressure for women to always seem like they’ve “got it together.”
Not feeling safe expressing one’s truth can cause fear, sadness, and a sense of overwhelm. For some moms, the growing emotional distance (even when surrounded by others) can be too much, and they carry their burdens alone, fearing judgment or becoming convinced that others won’t understand. This is one of the common challenges of motherhood many women face today.
Disconnection from your partner
The birth of a child can change the dynamics of any relationship. For a mother, the challenges of becoming a parent can create a disconnect from her partner. Suddenly going from partners to being co-parents is a big adjustment for many couples.
Time that was once solely dedicated to each other is now split—and often consumed—by the exhausting task of caring for someone else. This can leave little time or energy for simple but important things—like meaningful conversations, emotional connection, or intimacy—and lead to loneliness and alienation from the one person who’s always supposed to be there.
Your social support has changed now that you’re a mom
Motherhood often alters friendships and social circles in unexpected ways. The changes in relationships can be especially stark if a mother’s circle of friends is at varying stages of life. People without children sometimes can’t understand the new demands placed on moms. Over time, invitations to social events and gatherings might dwindle. In general, most moms have less time for social activities after having a child than they did before.
Another common struggle for new moms is finding it hard to relate to pre-motherhood friends. Finally, there are logistical challenges, like childcare, time management, or even finding enough energy to socialize at all.
How to Cope with Loneliness as a Mom
Figuring out how to cope with loneliness in motherhood can be overwhelming, but it’s necessary. Finding the right coping techniques can make the challenges of motherhood — especially loneliness — a little bit more bearable. Taking small steps toward focusing on well-being, emotional stability, and fulfillment can help alleviate feelings of isolation and foster meaningful connections.
Join a mom’s group
Mom’s groups are excellent outlets for connecting with others who understand exactly what you’re going through. Support groups provide a positive, safe space to voice your struggles and find meaningful companionship. Whether it’s an organized playdate, a breastfeeding support group, or a local community meetup, mom’s groups encourage bonding through shared experiences that can be vital to well-being.
Schedule regular social time
Making time for social interaction can be difficult, but moms must do it. Make it a point to begin scheduling regular social outings to feel more connected with others. It can be as simple as meeting a friend for coffee or going for a walk in the park. Even brief moments of socialization can be a reprieve from mundane days and schedules.
Talk to a therapist
Sometimes, loneliness can become so overwhelming that you might need professional support. Talking to a therapist can make a world of difference as you open up about your feelings and challenges in a non-judgmental environment. Therapy can teach you how to explore your loneliness, utilize coping skills, and move past the feelings holding you back. A good therapist will also help you identify and deal with underlying issues that may be contributing to your loneliness.
Communicate with your partner
Healthy communication is important in any relationship, but the stakes are even higher for parents. Open communication is key to building a strong foundation as parents so you can overcome mom loneliness. Discussing your feelings will help you reconnect and rebuild your relationship.
“It can become easy to overlook the relationship that laid the foundation for building a family. And when things get busy, we forget to make time for each other. Practice asking for what you need clearly rather than expecting your partner to read your mind. In a growing family, assuming that someone, even if close, should know what you need is never safe unless you effectively articulate it meaningfully.”
– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C
Connect online
Online communities can be excellent sources of support for moms. Virtual mom groups, forums, and social media can be opportunities to share your concerns and experiences while seeking advice, support, and companionship.
Plan outings
Getting out of the house will break up the routine if you’re in a cycle of isolation. Go to a museum, meet a friend or another mom at a park, go for a walk, or do anything that offers a change of scenery and allows you to engage with others. Outings can be valuable chunks of time and an opportunity to connect with others for a mental boost.
Keep a journal
Journaling is a powerful tool for processing confusing or difficult emotions, reflecting on your experiences, and identifying unhealthy or unhelpful patterns or triggers that contribute to loneliness.
Writing about loneliness in motherhood can be a therapeutic release that helps you let go of pent-up emotions — like resenting a partner because they “get” to escape to work every day or have more opportunities to socialize with friends.
Journaling can help you track growth, too, so you can recognize positive moments on your journey and find gratitude to replace some of your loneliness.
Create a routine
Daily routines help you feel grounded and in control, ultimately reducing feelings of loneliness. Having structure in your days helps you balance never-ending demands, giving you time for parental self-care and to make important connections. Make sure to incorporate consistent time for things you enjoy, like walks, hobbies, or social interaction, so you have something to look forward to
The Importance of Addressing Loneliness in Motherhood
For moms, unchecked loneliness can have significant repercussions on mental health and well-being. When left unaddressed, these feelings can culminate, leading to more severe conditions like anxiety, depression, or mom burnout. If you’re struggling with overwhelming feelings of loneliness as a mom, the impact might extend beyond you. It can affect your ability to fully engage with your children and family.
The good news is that you can overcome loneliness with the right support and tools. Start by building a support network and connecting with other moms you relate to. You might also want to consider seeking professional help — this empowering step can be vital in your ability to heal.
Remember, you don’t have to go through motherhood alone. There are so many resources out there designed to help you navigate loneliness or feelings of isolation. Therapy can be a safe space to explore your emotions while getting expert guidance, and reaching out is the first step. Talkspace is an online therapy platform that simplifies the process of getting help. For busy moms, online therapy means no need to travel or find childcare. Whether you’re struggling with loneliness or have other emotional needs, Talkspace helps you access therapy from the comfort of your home.
Explore online therapy at Talkspace today — help is just a click away.
