How to Defeat “Don’t Want” Thinking in Yourself and Others
Any fool knows what they don’t want.
The person you aspire to become is lost when “don’t want” dominates your thinking. Saying, “I hate being frustrated,” is disappointing compared to concentrating on things within your control.
Life is built with “Do want” actions.
Three “don’t want” conversations:
There’s an avalanche of “don’t want” in the world. It’s courageous to imagine who you might become.
#1. An aspiring leader
He said he steps on people’s toes. That’s a nice way of saying he hurts people. He knows trampling on people short-circuits his career.
I asked, “If you weren’t stepping on people’s toes, what would you be like?”
He fumbled for a bit and finally said, “I don’t know.”
I said, “Imagine you did know.”
Still, language failed him.
#2. A friend
A friend is troubled by his constant striving. Life without striving is unimaginable. But he also strives for contentment.
I asked, “If you weren’t always striving, what would you be doing?”
He said, “It feels like I’d be a failure.”
I asked, “But, what would you be doing instead of striving?”
“I’m not sure.”
#3. My hairdresser
The woman who cuts my hair doesn’t like her people-pleasing tendencies. I asked, “If you weren’t people-pleasing, what would you be doing?”
She said, “I wouldn’t care what people think.” She described what she wouldn’t do. Positive language escaped her.
3 steps to growth:
- Consider what you don’t want as only a beginning.
- Give yourself a target. Describe what you want. If you can’t imagine it, you can’t become it. I don’t mean to say that if you describe it, you will become it, but positive language precedes positive change.
- Distill imagination into simple behaviors.
Life languishes on “don’t want” thinking and talking.
How might leaders help people rise above the persecutions of “don’t want” thinking?
Dig deeper:
How to Use Imagination Today
How to Leverage the Power of Imagination to Develop Leaders
Research:
Positive Psychology Progress: Empirical Validation of Interventions (berkeley.edu)
The power of simulation: imagining one’s own and other’s behavior – PubMed (nih.gov)
Strategy as Simple Rules (hbr.org)
Purchase The Vagrant: The Inner Journey of Leadership. Our book gives you tools to overcome “don’t want” thinking and provides tools to explore who you aspire to become.
