Examples of Inappropriate Co-Parenting Behaviors
Research shows that co-parenting can work for children under a joint custody agreement. A healthy co-parenting relationship can lead to positive development, better adult relationships, and general well-being for the child. Yet even under the best circumstances, co-parenting can be challenging, especially if you suspect or know that inappropriate behaviors are present.
Recognizing what inappropriate co-parenting behaviors can look like is the first step in changing things.
Badmouthing the other parent
It’s never OK for one parent to badmouth the other in front of a child. This type of behavior causes confusion, anxiety, and loyalty conflicts that can damage the child’s psyche. It can also undermine the child’s relationship with both parents. Even worse, it fosters an environment of hostility and mistrust.
“If children witness one parent bad mouthing the other parent, they have a significantly higher probability of participating in triangulation. Children start to mimic the bad mouthing of the parent, which can translate into how they treat their friends, peers, and other professionals.”
– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, LPC
Using the child as the messenger
Using a child to relay messages between parents is completely inappropriate. It’s stressful and a responsibility children should not have. It causes emotional strain, since the child becomes a conduit for communication that’s most likely way too mature for them. Parents should always communicate directly with one another, and have their child’s best interest in mind.
Manipulating the child’s affection
Manipulating a child’s feelings toward another parent is emotional abuse that’s never appropriate. This behavior typically involves guilt-tripping, bribing, gaslighting, or influencing how the child perceives the other parent, which can eventually lead to parental alienation.
Harassing the other parent
Harassment takes many forms and can include things like excessive calls, texts, aggressive confrontations, showing up when not invited or wanted, or anything else that disrupts a cooperative and peaceful co-parenting dynamic. Behavior like this creates a toxic environment that will negatively impact everyone.
Interfering with the other parent’s time
In most co-parenting situations, it’s common for children to have designated time with each parent. Interfering with the other’s scheduled parenting time, via a last-minute change or with intentional disruption, is harmful and confusing to the child. A consistent visitation schedule agreement is essential for the child to feel like they have stability and predictability in their environment.
Inconsistent parenting rules
Although it may be difficult, it is important to find a way to have consistent parenting rules in both households. Inconsistent parenting plans, rules, or expectations between homes can be upsetting to a child while undermining discipline in one home or the other. Parents should strive to match parenting styles and rules and should come to a private agreement so the child doesn’t struggle to understand boundaries and expectations.
Withholding information
Withholding information about a child’s well-being — including medical issues, school progress, social activities, or significant events — is unfair to the other parent. Being transparent and having open communication with each other about your child’s needs is crucial with this type of parenting plan.
“When one parent withholds information from another parent, and the children start to understand what is happening, they may adapt to a culture filled with omissions. And when children stop sharing about what is bothering them, you often see them act out behaviorally instead.”
– Talkspace therapist Dr. Meaghan Rice, LPC
